When Vanilla Sex Hurts

I didn't know what I wanted.

I suppose that was the first problem. Problems always seem to start when we don't really know what we want, what we're looking for, but we get started anyway.

This wasn't one of those cases I've heard and read about where things just spiraled out of control. Nothing went wrong. Nothing bad happened.

At the end of it though, I still felt bad about myself. I couldn't pinpoint what had gone wrong with me because I couldn't figure out what I had wanted in the first place.

To start, it was a bad couple of days. Days when I got to the end of them and wanted to be punished. I wanted Doc to take his belt and use it on me, to make me feel pain in my body so that the pain in my heart might be lessened.

But we're both exhausted and I didn't want to ask so much of him at this point.

So, I hoped that everyday vanilla sex would help - to feel more connected to myself, to Doc, to something other than frustration and impotent rage. By the time evening ended, though, I had fallen asleep on the couch and when we made our way to the bedroom, I wasn't feeling the need for sex as intensely.

Still, Doc initiated sexual touch and I responded. I wondered vaguely what I was doing and why; what did I want in that moment and what expectations did I have for fulfilling that desire?

Mostly, I thought, "I'm not entirely sure that I'm in this." I also thought, "If I tell Doc I'd rather just cuddle against him and sleep, he'll be okay with that, too."

I didn't, and as he entered me, I wasn't sure why I hadn't told him. I just knew that finally the pain was there and it wasn't at all what I wanted. I delighted in finally being joined to him again, but I wasn't wet and it hurt.

It was confusing, this sex that didn't feel good and physically didn't feel okay; pain that wasn't the right kind; but still finding some kind of joy in the act of fucking.

After, I curled up against him, took a deep breath and felt tears begin to prick at the back of my eyes. The last several days have been long and frustrating and emotionally painful and I just wanted to release it all.

Doc's phone rang. The moment was gone.

Fruitful, regardless, as I learned that I want pain before fucking but not during.