Porn and the At-Home-Alone Pastor

I watched porn this week for what amounts to basically the first time.

I mean, I'd seen porn before - around the house, stashed in other peoples' closets, and in a class I took in undergrad (Sexual Violence, Pornography and the Law). But, this week, as Doc is out of town and I've been home alone (I moved in with him, sort of, after Thanksgiving; for real just before Christmas), I was really horny. As I've heard from multiple people, including Doc, that the visual stimulation of porn can help in one's masturbatory pursuits, I decided to give it a try.

So, I loaded up the Late Night section of HBO GO and was sorely disappointed at what passes for porn on HBO's on demand service. It was terrible. The plots were ridiculous, the sex was terrible and every female in the two movies (we're talking six porn models total) had belly button piercings. What is it with female porn stars and belly button rings?

I detailed my disappointment to Doc and he shared with me where he keeps his DVDs and even recommended one. My curiosity piqued, I pulled it out and sat down to watch on Saturday morning.

There was no plot, it was just a group of porn stars taken to a resort for a weekend and allowed to couple up and fuck in a totally organic nature. It was exceptionally well done. There was only one belly button ring (out of five models). The movie included the director explaining how she conceived of the project and what drover her to make the movie.

The models were interviewed about their personal and public sexual experiences. In the first scene, the female model talked about her history as a "loser" in high school and her desire to fuck the particular male model as a way to fulfill her high school jock fantasy. It was like a really amazing documentary on a social experiment that contained a lot of fucking.

I was fascinated by the interviews, couplings and follow-ups. The sex was mostly boring. Sure, it got me hot and wet, but after about 3 minutes, of fucking, I more or less thought, "So, I'm not unusual in the things I say and the noises I make when Doc and I fuck. Cool! And oh, my God, that model has the prettiest genitals I've ever seen.... God, I wish I had a vulva that pretty."

I decided porn probably isn't for me. It's not something I feel particularly drawn to. It was interesting, but again, I enjoyed the interviews more than the sex. I guess sex is like spectator sports - I'd rather be playing than watching.

And, you know, given the fact that I've long struggled with a high degree of hatred for my genitals, and the fact that I'm pretty sure Doc would recoil in horror if I ever mentioned the idea of having my genitals custom sculpted by a plastic surgeon, watching other girls with prettier vulvae get fucked, probably isn't going to help my self-esteem.

But, I would like to watch porn with Doc, if he's interested, because I think that would be hot. And while I wait for Doc to return, I fantasize about when he will return and fuck me hard. I fantasize about all of the ways I'd like for him to fuck when I masturbate. I spend a lot of time at home naked.

And when Doc does return, I'll likely pull out the hand mirror and look at my own genitals while Doc fucks me. That is, of course, after he pulls out the riding crop he got me for Christmas and gives me a good cropping.