The Deeper Stuff

I should probably state up front that I'm kind of a control freak. Especially when I'm under significant amounts of stress.

There's a story about a box of Kleenex and a bunch of people dying, but that's for another time and place.

The important thing to know at this point is that I am rigidly structured and I absolutely need to be in control of things.

Sex has been a primary focus of my conversation with Ichthy of late and I was beginning to feel the wear of this. I wanted to talk to him about it, and yesterday morning the need to adjust some of the boundaries in our friendship became quite necessary.

The problem, however, is that several experience in the last few days have triggered some PTSD stuff for me. So, I was experiencing some pretty intense anxiety and knew I wasn't in a place to start that conversation until I could find my center again and operate from a place of safety and secure attachment in our friendship.

Perhaps it was fortuitous timing, but Ichthy initiated the conversation himself, indicating that he was okay with some things but he felt that our conversations were dominated by sex and he wanted to make sex less of a focus, keep all D/s exchanges in the context of play, and build the friendship - deep, intimate friendship - more and allow sex to take a back seat.

Now, because sex had been such a focus and I'm happy to take the blame (because just hearing his voice makes me wet and I end up masturbating with him on the line whenever possible) the fact is, just this morning I had begun to wonder if that's all there was.

Because one of my exes had re-entered my life and things got wonky when we were together, and because that particular ex was part of the aftermath of the trauma event that left me with PTSD, and because two other people in my life had recently learned of this trauma event and both had mentioned it to me (which felt a bit like being ambushed, though I know it was not their intent), and because what these new friends discovered was linked to my feelings of burn out, and because a woman who came between me and my most recent ex is linked to the experiences earlier this summer that contributed to my burn out and because I can't escape her in the community and because she wants to be my absolute best friend in the whole world, and because she contacts me at least three days a week, and because all of this had come to a head in previous two days, I was a little raw. And EXTREMELY anxious.

So, when Ichthy texted asking to shift the focus our interactions away from sex, even though it was very much what I wanted and what I wanted to tell him myself once things calmed down otherwise, I cried. A lot. Because it felt like a confirmation of all the fears and anxieties triggered by the experiences - that it would start out with this and then he would disappear, slowly, one small step at a time.

On the one hand, every experience I have with Ichthy assures me this is not the case. Everything I have with Ichthy assures me that if he tells me he wants to focus on the rest of our friendship and build real intimacy in our friendship, then what Ichthy means is that he wants to focus on the rest of our friendship and build real intimacy in our friendship.

Every other experience I have had in life - and largely regarding the re-appearing ex - told me he was about to walk away.

So, when Ichthy asked me later that evening if the renegotiated focus and clear boundary concerning play "felt okay" to me, all I could tell him was that I couldn't answer the question as asked at this time, and that this had nothing to do with him or our friendship. He said, "Ok."

I spent twenty minutes meditating, sorting through my anxiety as triggered and separating out Ichthy's request from the rest of the ball of terribleness that I simply couldn't move past. Setting the anxiety aside and thinking about what I actually want with Ichthy, regardless of anything I was feeling in the moment, I wrote back, "I actually prefer we keep it limited to play if/when you initiate it."

I felt enormously better and spent the next two hours meditating to find center and relieve some of the anxiety from the PTSD triggers. And then I went to bed.

And when I got up this morning, I had an email from my ex, and holy fucking shitballs, are you kidding me? Another miscommunication and TRIGGER! So, when Ichthy texted me and asked how my day was going, I told him honestly - it was bad. Because it's been a holy trigger-fest since Monday at 4:00PM (thank you new bestie for starting the chain reaction!) and it just wouldn't let up.

Ichthy was gracious enough to let me take control (always helpful in PTSD experiences) in regards to the flow of information in our friendship and specifically concerning my burn out, about which he'd previously expressed interest in knowing but which we hadn't had a chance to discuss. I directed him to my vanilla blog and asked that he read one post and, only if he wanted, the linked post within, because this post would answer his questions about my burnout and I have WANTED to share since he asked but there hadn't been time.

Having that tiny bit of control over the flow of information immediately set me at ease, all the anxiety drained away, I felt far more able to experience my friendship with Ichthy in a securely attached fashion without extant anxiety interfering; I felt more able to deal with my new bestie(!) and most recent ex; I felt far more able to breathe through the frustrations with my recently re-appeared ex and be ok.

It's all about control.

Ichthy read the post to which I had directed him and then he told me that he loves me. He told me that there are things he means by that and things he doesn't and he is happy to explain further if I want. He told me he feels more at ease now and was interested in and willing to share some of his experiences about which I had asked previously and he had deferred to answer.

The blessing is in the offering whether the gift is accepted or not. In accepting AND reciprocating, Ichthy increased the blessing three-fold.

So, at some point, I imagine we'll be having that conversation.

In all honesty, I want to hear what Ichthy means when he says he loves me. I have a pretty clear idea. I could be completely off-base. But I suspect it is a matter of care and respect and unconditional positive regard and friendship. I would rather fill in the blanks concerning what he does not mean rather than have him explicitly state those things. Perhaps it's because I'm still a bit raw. Perhaps it's because I'm insecure. Perhaps it's because I'm afraid he's going to say things I don't want to hear. But I would prefer to not get a list of "all the way I do not love you" from Ichthy because I think I might hear it as a list of "all the way I find you lacking and have deemed you less than and not good enough."

But that's my issue. I know I'm loved regardless.