I could feel my shine start to dim when I was with him. I dont' know if it's because he was emotionally closed off and wouldn't engage with me or if it's because he had closed me out of every aspect of his life, but I felt unwelcome and I began to turn inward in my own self while trying to move forward - engaging and connecting in the only way he said he wanted (sexually) but he even began to shut me out and reject me there as well.
So, I ended it. I told him that I appreciated his friendship and would be forever grateful that he had introduced me to the community, but that ultimately it had become clear to me that there was no long-term potential.
But it wasn't even the feelings of rejection or being shut out that made up my mind. It wasn't even that I withdrew myself from him because of the rejection. We had, after all, decided to take thing slow emotionally.
It was my own insecurities about my genitals. You see, he told me he enjoyed certain sexual activities, he asked what I wanted, I told him I wanted which was exactly what he told me he enjoyed, and he refused. And when I asked him a question about his reasons and expressed my deep-seated insecurities, and he gave a perfectly reasonable explanation.
But he did not touch me again after that. And because he was distant and unemotional and not acting like someone who wants to be in my life, he simply hadn't earned my vulnerability in addressing these things.
My new friend, though, open and honest and direct. Someone who is smarter than I am. Someone who is as active, spiritually, as I am. Someone who shares so many common interests with me. someone who is passionate about things in his life and who is willing to share passionately about those things!
And so, I told him - I want sex. It's not going to happen. My partner won't touch me, won't even talk to me, and I'm crabby and feeling insecure about my body.
He asked if I wanted to talk by phone. I said, "Yes" and he called me and I told him the thing I've never spoken of, never told anyone - no my best friend, not my therapist, not my partner - the reason I have these insecurities about my genitals.
My friend's response was amazing. He listened intently; he verified that the had understood; he asked question in a love rather than prurient fashion; he expressed compassion and validated my feelings.
Tonight, I was at a local munch and my partner wasn't there and his roommate told me he was hanging out with a particular individual. I didn't care who he spent time with, I'd made that clear repeatedly. I cared that he told me he was pursuing the possibility of long-term with me, but putting all of his energy into every other relationship he had but ours; that he was willing to be hospitable to everyone in his life but me; that he would allow his female friend to spend the night with him in bed (platonic) but he wouldn't even allow me to know where he lived.
I thought about the way I felt in my relationship with my partner - dull, unwelcome, unwanted. I thought about how I felt in my other friendships, particularly this new friend - cared for, important, welcomed, wanted (in a platonic fashion).
It was not my friend's response to my vulnerability that made me decide to end things with my partner. Rather, it was the fact that I felt so comfortable sharing with him at all. My own partner had not yet earned that vulnerability from me.
So, it was time to end things.
And last night I did.
With kindness and respect, in a direct fashion. "I appreciate you, I am grateful. This is not working."
And I felt my shine come back.
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