13500

I was up rather late last night perusing the website.

I happened upon a quite funny post on K&P by an individual and decided to spend some time perusing a bit of his profile. Having read a few other of his posts, I decided to break most of his rules for initial contact and send him a recommendation for travel based on something he had shared.

Now it happens that his post making K&P apparently garnered enough attention that his inbox was flooded. I was apparently one of the many. Because of this deluge, and in part he told me, because of my email specifically, he created a test based on his preferences as a weeding out process, requesting that anyone who wished to contact him score themselves based on his scales and use their score as the subject line of their initial contact.

We exchanged a few friendly messages based on some of his writings and my travel recommendations when he told me that because I'm smart (flattery will get you places, my friends) and because he has struggled with the balance of weeding out people based on his and their preferences but having to find a way to do so online based on poor and arbitrary word choices, he wanted my help, if I had any ideas.

My response is below.

*****

The reality is, (name redacted), that most of what you write will be offensive to a large swath of human beings because:

1. The world fucking revolves around each individual person
2. Your preferences on any topic are about the particular individual who does or does not meet your preferences; they aren't actually about your preferences, because 
3. The world fucking revolves around each individual person

or so most people seem to believe.

I'm extremely straightforward and honest myself. It's one of the reasons I do not make sense, culturally, in the (location redacted). In regards to that, I really need to update my Fetlife location, as I am no longer residing in (location redacted) but (location redacted), population (statistic redacted). Just as you don't joke about being 6'5", I don't joke about my hometown's population.

As someone who does not do "(location redacted) nice" (born and raised in (location redacted), my existence made sense for the first time when I moved to (location redacted)), I will share with you my personal views concerning definitions, and perhaps it will help you refine your writing in such a way that it does not offend the sensibilities of the navel-gazers amongst those on the interwebz.

I have repeatedly explained to people that I am not a "nice" person. I am exceedingly kind, but I do not do nice. I'm also not an asshole. This tends to create a lot of confusion for the vast majority (read "every single person") I've ever said this to, and so I've had to create a way of explaining the difference between being nice, being kind, and being a douche-bag.

Imagine you've been asked to tag along on a shopping trip with a friend. Assume your friend is female, and if it helps, you can imagine she looks something like me (that is to say 5'10", 215lbs, size 14, brunette, green eyes). She wants to get an outfit, but wants something that she not only feels comfortable and confident, perhaps even sexy, wearing, but which is also flattering to her. She steps into the dressing room, gets naked, and then re-dresses in her first choice.

Stepping from the dressing room, she's slightly out of breath, her hair is quite messy, her face is a bit pink from exertion. She thinks her cheeks have a great "glow" to them because she looks so amazing in a more-than-skin-tight, sequined, tube dress that is obviously four sizes too small.

If you are a nice man, you'll hold it together long enough to gush with GREAT (well faked) enthusiasm (because you know she loves this dress and wants it to be the one), "OMG! You look sooooooo AMAZING! You should buy one in every color!"

If you are a kind man, you'll hold it together because you genuinely care about your friends, and you'll say, "I'm not sure the cut and fit of this dress really accentuate your best features. Let's see if there's something that might be more flattering and in which you'll feel even more comfortable, confident and sexy!" Then, you'll discreetly choose 3-4 dresses with sleeves, appropriate necklines, no sequins (Dear God, can we please just get rid of sequins altogether now? The '80s have come and gone. They were a bad idea then, they're a bad idea now. Thanks!), in a size that actually fits. You'll pay attention to your friend and not only how she looks as she tries on each of these dresses, but you'll critically assess what does and does not work with each, and you'll encourage your friend to own her body and stand with proper posture. After all, proper posture can make anybody feel more confident in a heartbeat. It's that whole bio-feedback loop.

If you're an asshole, you'll not bother to hold it together at all. Instead, you'll simply roll your eyes and exclaim for the entire store to hear, "You look like a fat fucking whore in that. You disgust me. You need to take that shit off and put on something that fits and doesn't make you look like an overstuffed sausage that took a trip through the sequin factory."

Assuming you're still with me, and you get the explanation, you should be aiming for kindness. Clear, concise, direct. Honest and respectful. I really think it's a matter of stating your preferences in a fashion that does not intentionally seek to violate clear social norms about appropriately respectful behavior when dealing with total strangers. You actually seem to have this down pat, for the most part. In those instances where I find myself responding with thoughts like, "Hmmmm, this guy (name redacted) is a bit more asshole-in-disguise than I'd first imagined," it's probably because:

1. The whole world revolves around me
2. Your preferences are soooooooo obviously about me and not you, and
3. The whole world revolves around me

Once I come back to reality and accept that your preferences are yours and I remember that we're all better off knowing what we, as individuals, want from life or friendship or partners or sex or play, and I acknowledge that I have preferences, too and one of those preferences is that people be clear, concise, direct, honest, open and respectful, I think to myself, "Maybe this (name redacted) guy isn't such an asshole after all. I actually appreciate his willingness to not play games. We may never be a match romantically, sexually, in play, or as friends (that fucking Oxford comma!), but I appreciate him as fellow traveler in this journey called 'life.'"

I don't know if that helps. I suppose it reads a bit like, "Here's a long story and a test. Can you figure out what it means? By the way, you may or may not be an asshole depending on how self-absorbed I am."

In short, I think it's ok to have preferences. I think it's okay to state them. I think your two flights of stairs test is funny but also sufficient. You also do a marvelous job of being kind in most of your writings which I've had time to peruse. As such, I think your standards work as they're written and do a wonderful job of not only weeding out those who are overweight and unhealthy rather than overweight and active/actively seeking better health but also weeding out those who would never be a good fit because they want to live in a fantasy land where they cannot have real relationships because they are not willing to be honest about who they are and what they want/need in a partner as demonstrated by their unwillingness to accept someone who is honest about what he wants/needs in a partner (that "he" would be you).

Was any of that helpful?

*****

This individual loved my response so much he's planning to "plagirize the hell out of it."

Sometimes, it's the little things in life that make me smile.

Actually, it's always the little things. If the little things aren't enough, the big ones never will be.