A Love Letter

Dear Doc:

Feelings often don't make sense and so I find them quite confusing. I think some of this goes to my high need for control and my desire for a rigidly structured life. Feelings can't be structured.

I am enamored of you. You continue to amaze and awe me. I adore you and I want you. I long to be with you and to know you more.

I'm confused because I feel so well known by you, yet I know you so little. I look at the way you treat me and I am delighted by the level of respect, dignity and care that you demonstrate. I look at the way you treat others and I know that this is core to who you are, not just a front to win me over, and I know that I am safe with you.

Being safe with you allows me to let go and explore things I've never considered before. It gives me space to experience things wonderful and exciting and new. It is overwhelming in its expansiveness, and it is beautiful and good.

I am enamored of and in awe of you.

But I can also separate that out from other things. I find there are millions of ways to give expression to things that I experience and feel. I find that all of them are inadequate to fully communicate what I want you to know.

As we experience one another in various ways, various contexts, various moods, various activities, there are lots of opportunities for things to get all mishmashed together, for the lines between how I know you and feel about you in one way and context to become blurred and confused with how I know you and feel about you in another way and context.

So, I want to be clear about how I know and feel about you in the ways that I do, as clearly distinguished experiences, as discreet sets and expressions.

In that, I'm not sure how to label or define all of the ways I know and experience you. As a lover, friend, companion, fellow geek, as both safety and danger, security and excitement, comfort and fear.

The most solid conclusion I can draw is that in all of this, I know you as Doc. And separate from all of the other ways I experience you and all of the ways I feel with you and for you and about you, with absolute certainty, I can say this: as Doc, I love you. I absolutely freakin' love your socks off.

Sincerely,
Your Kinky Pastor