He indicated he was excited to see me, but what if all that waned in the course of the day? He does not strike me as the fickle type, but you just never know.
What if he likes this and wants to discuss the possibility of something more? Am I ready for that? I feel like I have a few things up in the air, some things I can be flexible about and some I cannot.
What if he likes this and wants to discuss the possibility of something more? Am I ready for that? I feel like I have a few things up in the air, some things I can be flexible about and some I cannot.
What if he likes this and wants to continue but in a strictly casual way because he doesn't want to consider long-term with me? Would I be okay with that?
I spent the day at work reminding myself that obsessively revisiting the possible outcomes of any such discussion would NOT make the conversation come any sooner and I was missing a key ingredient in all of these speculations: any intimate knowledge of what Doc might want.
I spent the day at work reminding myself that obsessively revisiting the possible outcomes of any such discussion would NOT make the conversation come any sooner and I was missing a key ingredient in all of these speculations: any intimate knowledge of what Doc might want.
So, speeding like a demon down the freeway, I arrived just after 6:30. Doc was prepping an appetizer (cheese plate, crackers, apple, and a lovely arugula salad dressed with olive oil, balsamic vinegar, salt, pepper, and roasted almonds - BLISS). The dish I was making would take just shy of two hours.
Once the main course was in the oven, we sat at the table, hands touching, to discuss our expectations and intentions. As the fates would have, Doc is quite enamored of me, would like to see where things might go, has some concerns about possible long-term complications, but at the moment would very much like to continue in a relationship.
He wanted my thoughts.
Yes. Yes to all of the above.
Yes to the enamored, yes to the concerns, yes to the moment, yes to pursuing a relationship.
We finished the appetizers and decided to start a movie. Cuddled on the couch, we spent a few minutes chatting first. I explained that given his circumstances, I wanted to verify that he had been tested before we moved forward with a sexual relationship that did not utilize a barrier method. I had been tested myself just a month before and had not had any sexual contact other than digit-to-genital since that time. Doc agreed to get checked.
He wanted my thoughts.
Yes. Yes to all of the above.
Yes to the enamored, yes to the concerns, yes to the moment, yes to pursuing a relationship.
We finished the appetizers and decided to start a movie. Cuddled on the couch, we spent a few minutes chatting first. I explained that given his circumstances, I wanted to verify that he had been tested before we moved forward with a sexual relationship that did not utilize a barrier method. I had been tested myself just a month before and had not had any sexual contact other than digit-to-genital since that time. Doc agreed to get checked.
We settled in to watch the movie. A movie which delighted us both.
Eventually, we paused the movie and had the main course. Once dinner was over, I changed into lingerie and we finished watching the movie, laughing at the funny parts and discussing briefly some of the more serious edges. When it was over, we headed to bed.
Doc touched me everywhere: my arms, my legs, my breasts, my face, my hair. Touching, stroking, learning as he explored. He was coming to know me and in doing so, I was coming to know myself more. As he shifted the top of my lingerie for better access to my breasts, I asked Doc if he'd like me to remove it. "Please," he replied.
Rising to a half-sitting position and with his help, I pulled it over my head and off. I tossed it over the side of the bed and out of the way. I lay down again as Doc continued to explore my body. He stroked my calves, my knees, my thighs; his fingers lightly brushed the crotch of my satin and lace panties.
"Would you like me to remove those as well?" I asked, desperate to feel his hands on my sex again.
"I'll do it," he told me, and I raised my ass off the mattress as he slipped my panties over my hips, down my legs, and off of me. I spread my legs before him, feeling less shy than I had anticipated, allowing him to see all of me in the dim glow of tea lights.
He stroked my clit. He inserted two fingers into me. I moaned and writhed with pleasure. "Do you want me...?" I started to ask before I gasped as a moment of intense pleasure cut my thoughts short.
"Yes," he responded.
"Oh," I sighed in response "There was more to the question," I gasped. His hands stilled, giving me a moment to think. "Do you want me to ask for what I want?" I asked him. This is the most I can offer in this moment.
"Yes," he said, knowing the full extent of what I have asked, "because you deserve to ask and hear 'yes'."
"Will you?" I asked. I couldn't say any more. I wanted to and though I was sure he would say yes, I simply couldn't get any more out.
"Yes," he said again as he leaned in close and began to nuzzle my sex with his mouth. He licked me; he massaged my clitoris with his tongue; he drew my labia in between his lips and it felt good in so many ways that my brain got all quiet and mushy as the muscles in my legs and arms began to shake.
I wanted penetration again, but I did not want his fingers in me this time. "Would you like to get a condom?" I asked him.
"Yes. Are you okay with that?" he asked, clarifying my intentions.
"Oh, God, yes!" I told him.
But getting a condom required Doc to leave the bed and for those brief moments I almost regretted asking because for those brief moments he wasn't touching me. I asked if he wanted help rolling the condom on but he had taken care of it.
I took this interlude as an opportunity to place a pillow beneath my hips so that Doc would have more access and deeper penetration. Then, I spread my legs and waited.
Doc knelt between my legs and made sure, once more, that I was ready. He entered me and I was lost. Doc felt nothing like anything I'd ever experienced before. He is larger than either of my two previous partners and as living flesh he's qualitatively different from the toys I own, no matter how similar those are in shape to a penis.
Then there's the matter of how it felt to have Doc inside of me. This was the seventh time I'd ever had sex. The first six times were intense, angry, revenge fucking. I told that first partner explicitly that our contact was to be genital only. Penis-in-vagina. He was not allowed to touch any part of my body above or below my hips - only what lay in between. The last time I had had sex was in response to intense emotional pain and a need for affirmation.. Garden variety sex - again genital contact only - met that need.
But this was not the case with Doc. He was in me and he is in me. No restrictions, no pre-established limits, no rules. I am not in control. This was terrifying.
I have had other opportunities in the recent past for sex. Though I was emotionally ready to have sex at the time that each man asked, I did not want to have sex with any of them. I had turned them each down.
Not only was I emotionally prepared to have sex with Doc, or so I thought, but I wanted, achingly desired, to have sex with him. And there we were, having sex, and physically it was amazing, and emotionally it was scary. And then it started to hurt a little because Doc is so big and my body simply doesn't accommodate that well. A severely retroverted uterus leaves me with a low cervix which is not receptive to stimulation.
The physical pain and nausea of this stimulation intensified and heightened my fear. I was not in control and I wasn't sure I was doing it right. I wanted this but what if it's not acceptable? What if I'm doing something bad even though I feel good about it?
"Wait," I pleaded and Doc stopped immediately. He was still in me and suddenly I was overwhelmed. Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes. I turned my head to the left. "I"m sorry," I said. "I just need a minute."
Doc told me everything was okay. He invited me to take all the time I needed. This unhinged me and I began to cry.
"Come here," Doc said, withdrawing from me, stretching out next to me, and gathering me in his arms. I tried to apologize again but he'd have none of it. He just wanted to make sure I was okay.
When I had calmed down enough and I knew that I wanted to proceed because I was ready and because I knew that I wanted this for myself and not to appease my partner (though I know he would never ask or insist or want such a thing from me), I told Doc I'd like to try again. Doc asked if I was sure. I was.
Doc got another condom and we began again. This time when he entered me, I focused not on the fact that I was not in control but on the fact that I was offering myself to this man in a way I've never offered myself to anyone. I focused on the fact that I was sharing something new and special with him. I sighed his name and he used mine as he told me, "Something wonderful is happening, ...."
But my body did not agree. "Wait. I think I need a different position," I told him as the pain and nausea washed over me again.
Doc suggested I shift to the edge of the bed and he would enter me from a standing position. This gave me full access to masturbate while he thrusted into me. This worked beautifully. With a few drops of lube added to the mix, I asked Doc to thrust much more slowly as I massaged my clit, my knees drawn up to either side of my chest, my feet resting on either side of his abdomen.
He did. Oh, he did. I could feel every inch of him as he thrusted into me and withdrew, again and again and again; not pulling or pushing me to the brink of orgasm but inviting me, coaxing me, accepting my orgasm when it came and asking nothing in return.
We collapsed into the bed together and at some point drifted off to sleep. I was later awakened by the sound of thunder and the flash of lightning. My arm was sore from the position in which I'd been lying. Doc was snoring softly and I enjoyed the sound briefly before my need to shift positions awakened him.
Doc graciously swapped sides of the bed with me. I curled around him and tried to drift to sleep again, but I couldn't. "Would you like to get another condom?" I asked him.
There was a brief pause. "Ask that again," Doc said.
"Would you like to get another condom?" I asked again.
Doc enthusiastically informed me that he would like it a great deal and he reached into the nightstand beside the bed. I asked him to turn on the bathroom light and he did so, increasing the brightness until I indicated it was enough.
He climbed back into the bed with me and once more I welcomed him between my thighs. I knew that the pace earlier had been too slow for him. "You set the pace," I told him. "Whatever you want, I'm okay with that."
I looked at him as he entered me. He looked at me as though I am the single most beautiful woman in all of history. The exquisite joy on his face left me feeling more naked than I ever dreamt possible.
I wrapped my legs around his waist and when the discomfort and nausea came, they paled in comparison to my overwhelming desire to offer this man anything he wanted. I pushed it aside and focused on his varying rhythm and the pleasure of having him in me and feeling seen, respected, cherished by him.
When he climaxed, I held him in me for as long as possible. I whimpered in protest as he withdrew. He needed to take care of the condom before it got lost.
Once he returned to bed, I curled around him, feeling peace, joy, satisfaction and contentment.
This is not fucking - the angry, hurtful, bitter exchange I had with my first sexual partner. Nor is this sex - the disconnected, self-focused, entirely-about-me, my wants, my needs, care-nothing-for-him exchange I had with my second sexual partner.
This is making love; this offering and accepting; this invitation and response.
"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear."
I am no longer afraid and I am still not in control.
We drifted off to sleep. Hours later when we were both fully awake, Doc kissed me again. He stroked my body with his hands. I began to stroke him until he was hard and leaking a bit of pre-cum. Once more I asked him to get a condom. Once more he did.
This time, as we made love, he once again set the pace and it worked for us both. Once again, I reached between us and began to masturbate in tandem with his strokes. I began to cum and just as my orgasm reached its peak, he climaxed as well.
Bliss.
Eventually, we paused the movie and had the main course. Once dinner was over, I changed into lingerie and we finished watching the movie, laughing at the funny parts and discussing briefly some of the more serious edges. When it was over, we headed to bed.
Doc touched me everywhere: my arms, my legs, my breasts, my face, my hair. Touching, stroking, learning as he explored. He was coming to know me and in doing so, I was coming to know myself more. As he shifted the top of my lingerie for better access to my breasts, I asked Doc if he'd like me to remove it. "Please," he replied.
Rising to a half-sitting position and with his help, I pulled it over my head and off. I tossed it over the side of the bed and out of the way. I lay down again as Doc continued to explore my body. He stroked my calves, my knees, my thighs; his fingers lightly brushed the crotch of my satin and lace panties.
"Would you like me to remove those as well?" I asked, desperate to feel his hands on my sex again.
"I'll do it," he told me, and I raised my ass off the mattress as he slipped my panties over my hips, down my legs, and off of me. I spread my legs before him, feeling less shy than I had anticipated, allowing him to see all of me in the dim glow of tea lights.
He stroked my clit. He inserted two fingers into me. I moaned and writhed with pleasure. "Do you want me...?" I started to ask before I gasped as a moment of intense pleasure cut my thoughts short.
"Yes," he responded.
"Oh," I sighed in response "There was more to the question," I gasped. His hands stilled, giving me a moment to think. "Do you want me to ask for what I want?" I asked him. This is the most I can offer in this moment.
"Yes," he said, knowing the full extent of what I have asked, "because you deserve to ask and hear 'yes'."
"Will you?" I asked. I couldn't say any more. I wanted to and though I was sure he would say yes, I simply couldn't get any more out.
"Yes," he said again as he leaned in close and began to nuzzle my sex with his mouth. He licked me; he massaged my clitoris with his tongue; he drew my labia in between his lips and it felt good in so many ways that my brain got all quiet and mushy as the muscles in my legs and arms began to shake.
I wanted penetration again, but I did not want his fingers in me this time. "Would you like to get a condom?" I asked him.
"Yes. Are you okay with that?" he asked, clarifying my intentions.
"Oh, God, yes!" I told him.
But getting a condom required Doc to leave the bed and for those brief moments I almost regretted asking because for those brief moments he wasn't touching me. I asked if he wanted help rolling the condom on but he had taken care of it.
I took this interlude as an opportunity to place a pillow beneath my hips so that Doc would have more access and deeper penetration. Then, I spread my legs and waited.
Doc knelt between my legs and made sure, once more, that I was ready. He entered me and I was lost. Doc felt nothing like anything I'd ever experienced before. He is larger than either of my two previous partners and as living flesh he's qualitatively different from the toys I own, no matter how similar those are in shape to a penis.
Then there's the matter of how it felt to have Doc inside of me. This was the seventh time I'd ever had sex. The first six times were intense, angry, revenge fucking. I told that first partner explicitly that our contact was to be genital only. Penis-in-vagina. He was not allowed to touch any part of my body above or below my hips - only what lay in between. The last time I had had sex was in response to intense emotional pain and a need for affirmation.. Garden variety sex - again genital contact only - met that need.
But this was not the case with Doc. He was in me and he is in me. No restrictions, no pre-established limits, no rules. I am not in control. This was terrifying.
I have had other opportunities in the recent past for sex. Though I was emotionally ready to have sex at the time that each man asked, I did not want to have sex with any of them. I had turned them each down.
Not only was I emotionally prepared to have sex with Doc, or so I thought, but I wanted, achingly desired, to have sex with him. And there we were, having sex, and physically it was amazing, and emotionally it was scary. And then it started to hurt a little because Doc is so big and my body simply doesn't accommodate that well. A severely retroverted uterus leaves me with a low cervix which is not receptive to stimulation.
The physical pain and nausea of this stimulation intensified and heightened my fear. I was not in control and I wasn't sure I was doing it right. I wanted this but what if it's not acceptable? What if I'm doing something bad even though I feel good about it?
"Wait," I pleaded and Doc stopped immediately. He was still in me and suddenly I was overwhelmed. Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes. I turned my head to the left. "I"m sorry," I said. "I just need a minute."
Doc told me everything was okay. He invited me to take all the time I needed. This unhinged me and I began to cry.
"Come here," Doc said, withdrawing from me, stretching out next to me, and gathering me in his arms. I tried to apologize again but he'd have none of it. He just wanted to make sure I was okay.
When I had calmed down enough and I knew that I wanted to proceed because I was ready and because I knew that I wanted this for myself and not to appease my partner (though I know he would never ask or insist or want such a thing from me), I told Doc I'd like to try again. Doc asked if I was sure. I was.
Doc got another condom and we began again. This time when he entered me, I focused not on the fact that I was not in control but on the fact that I was offering myself to this man in a way I've never offered myself to anyone. I focused on the fact that I was sharing something new and special with him. I sighed his name and he used mine as he told me, "Something wonderful is happening, ...."
But my body did not agree. "Wait. I think I need a different position," I told him as the pain and nausea washed over me again.
Doc suggested I shift to the edge of the bed and he would enter me from a standing position. This gave me full access to masturbate while he thrusted into me. This worked beautifully. With a few drops of lube added to the mix, I asked Doc to thrust much more slowly as I massaged my clit, my knees drawn up to either side of my chest, my feet resting on either side of his abdomen.
He did. Oh, he did. I could feel every inch of him as he thrusted into me and withdrew, again and again and again; not pulling or pushing me to the brink of orgasm but inviting me, coaxing me, accepting my orgasm when it came and asking nothing in return.
We collapsed into the bed together and at some point drifted off to sleep. I was later awakened by the sound of thunder and the flash of lightning. My arm was sore from the position in which I'd been lying. Doc was snoring softly and I enjoyed the sound briefly before my need to shift positions awakened him.
Doc graciously swapped sides of the bed with me. I curled around him and tried to drift to sleep again, but I couldn't. "Would you like to get another condom?" I asked him.
There was a brief pause. "Ask that again," Doc said.
"Would you like to get another condom?" I asked again.
Doc enthusiastically informed me that he would like it a great deal and he reached into the nightstand beside the bed. I asked him to turn on the bathroom light and he did so, increasing the brightness until I indicated it was enough.
He climbed back into the bed with me and once more I welcomed him between my thighs. I knew that the pace earlier had been too slow for him. "You set the pace," I told him. "Whatever you want, I'm okay with that."
I looked at him as he entered me. He looked at me as though I am the single most beautiful woman in all of history. The exquisite joy on his face left me feeling more naked than I ever dreamt possible.
I wrapped my legs around his waist and when the discomfort and nausea came, they paled in comparison to my overwhelming desire to offer this man anything he wanted. I pushed it aside and focused on his varying rhythm and the pleasure of having him in me and feeling seen, respected, cherished by him.
When he climaxed, I held him in me for as long as possible. I whimpered in protest as he withdrew. He needed to take care of the condom before it got lost.
Once he returned to bed, I curled around him, feeling peace, joy, satisfaction and contentment.
This is not fucking - the angry, hurtful, bitter exchange I had with my first sexual partner. Nor is this sex - the disconnected, self-focused, entirely-about-me, my wants, my needs, care-nothing-for-him exchange I had with my second sexual partner.
This is making love; this offering and accepting; this invitation and response.
"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear."
I am no longer afraid and I am still not in control.
We drifted off to sleep. Hours later when we were both fully awake, Doc kissed me again. He stroked my body with his hands. I began to stroke him until he was hard and leaking a bit of pre-cum. Once more I asked him to get a condom. Once more he did.
This time, as we made love, he once again set the pace and it worked for us both. Once again, I reached between us and began to masturbate in tandem with his strokes. I began to cum and just as my orgasm reached its peak, he climaxed as well.
Bliss.
No comments:
Post a Comment